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Dear Minority Report,

I watched you the other night and am intruiged by your ideas around police arresting people for crimes they are “yet to commit” – how do I implement such a system?

There’s a few arseholes in Parliament I want to stitch up and having pre-cogs lying on my behalf would do the job quite nicely.

First cab off the rank will be that prick Shorten, although he’s done a few crimes already and gotten away with it. He could prove to be a slippery customer, just like Tom Cruise was to you.

Next in line will be that extreme left wacky tobacky-inhaling poof Robert De Nirotali – or whatever the fuck he’s called. You shouldn’t have any trouble catching him – the daft bastard rides a bicycle.

While we’re at it, pin a murder or two on that mongrel Turnbull – the fucker has been eyeing off my job since I convincingly toppled him as Liberal leader. Watch out though, he’s a bit of a chameleon.

Anyhow, I look forward to your response so we can get the balls rolling on this one.

Regards,

Tony Abbott MHR

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