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My Kingdom for a landline phone!

A LONGTIME drunk dialler has blasted today’s generation of online social media trolls as “lazy lightweights”.

Reginald Worthington, an 87-year-old master of calling ex-girlfriends, call centres and randoms after a shitload of piss, said he recently decided to peruse the internet “after a few shandies” and was disgusted to find most trolls gave up after a couple of dozen short posts.

“Back in the good old days I would cold call people and grill them until I found a subject we disagreed on, then barrel the fuck out of them until they conceded I was correct.

“Sometimes it would take a few dozen call backs, or a visit from police, but I’d finish what I started, unlike these lazy young punks who think they’re God’s gift to the keyboard.”

Mr Worthington said he was so distraught he drank a cask of chardonnay before posting a 1000-word essay about “how poor people suck” on the Salvation Army’s Facebook page.

“I awoke to find 300 complaints and police at my front door with a horde of media,” he said.

“This old duck still got it.”

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