Authors Posts by The Caught Report

The Caught Report

187 POSTS 0 COMMENTS

by -
0
'Who can we give next year's first-round pick to?'
‘Who can we give next year’s first-round pick to?’

AFL critics have labelled Collingwood coach Nathan Buckley a “genius” for cleverly avoiding tanking claims against his club by trading its future first round draft pick.

Buckley, affectionately known around the club as Figjam, has been lauded for giving away this year’s first-round pick to GWS for Adam Treloar.

Former club captain Tony Shaw said Collingwood was the only bottom-eight club that could not be accused of tanking as a result.

“It’s common knowledge that AFL coaches fear accusations of tanking above everything else – I can tell you there’s more soiled underpants down at Windy Hill,  or wherever the fuck Essendon is nowadays,  than at the height of the club’s drug scandal,” Shaw said.

“What Figjam has done to avoid such accusations is genius.”

Ex-Magpie coach Michael Malthouse said the 2004-06 seasons were the worst of his career.

“Not because we went so shit, but people were accusing us of throwing matches for draft picks,” he said.

But GWS, set to play its first ever finals series, told The Caught Report it had sent a spy –  Graeme “Gubby” Allan – to the Magpies to try and “tank from within”.

 

 

by -
0
Olympics
Islamic State’s clay shooting team trains as the rest of its Rio Olympic squad looks on.

EXCLUSIVE: THE IOC has named Islamic State as Russia’s replacement at the Rio Olympics on the proviso its shooting squad fires only at clay targets.

IOC president Thomas Bach, in announcing the self-proclaimed caliphate would compete, said the decision – made after Russia’s appeal against doping charged was rejected – would increase safety at the two-week event as “surely no-one would want to kill with a gold medal on the line”.

Bach said IS – which would field teams in clay shooting, track and field, all combat sports and synchronised swimming – would be subject to strict security protocols during the Olympics.

“IS has promised they will behave to our stringent rules and guidelines,” Bach said.

“They welcome our alcohol ban in the athletes’ village and understand that no guns will be allowed in the area unless for clay shooting practice.”

In response to instant social media criticism, Bach said people needed to “relax and enjoy the event”.

by -
0
Royal commission
Some paper company out there is loving this.

CROSSBENCH federal Senator Nick Xenophon has called for a royal commission to look into why so many people are calling for royal commissions.

In recent times there have been royal commissions into serious issues such as bushfire, domestic violence, child abuse and union corruption.

Some blame the influx of royal commissions for the increase in calls for a royal commission into things such as  banks, traffic lights, why glad wrap sticks to everything but the thing you want it to, Islam and why Richmond is doing so shit in the AFL.

Mr Xenophon said the royal commission would probe into the reason why every man, woman and their dogs were barking for a royal commission.

An extensive The Caught Report investigation, initiated after an email from an a whistle-blower identified only as P.Charlie, uncovered 25,000 documents that have since been dubbed The Royal Commission Files.

The extensive paper trail leads to a 90-year-old London woman, who The Caught Report cannot identify for legal reasons, who gains a kickback of up to $2 million for each commission.

More to come

 

 

by -
0
Wallet
Throw out the wallet, keep the box.

WALLET manufacturers have confirmed they spend more time and money making packaging than the actual wallet, it has emerged.

An Australian Centre for Research study found 95 per cent of the top wallet brands spent an average of $40 more on a box than the wallet to go inside.

Expensive Pretentious Wallet Co. manager Reginald Worthington said his company was spending millions of dollars on state-of-the-art box technology.

“We use old sewing machines to make the actual wallets, that’s why they fall apart within months of people buying them,” he said.

“It’s a bitter sweet moment. Men experience the agony of dropping coins, notes and cards everywhere but get excited at the thought of a nice looking and smooth-to-touch box.”

by -
0
Moomba
‘It’s great to see our country coming together as one’

UPDATE: VICTORIA’S premier has proclaimed Saturday night’s Moomba street fighting exhibition a huge success.

Premier Daniel Andrews, whose Government legalised the sport after successful pilot events in Bendigo and Melton last year, said the Moomba clash between two rival Sudanese and Islander gangs was a “truly multicultural Melbourne moment”.

“It is fantastic that people from different backgrounds and cultures are trying to assimilate into our communities by partaking in the same sports we enjoy,” he said.

“I can see a future UFC champion arising from this. What a great boost to our economy that will be.”

Previously

The State Government passed the Street Fighting Bill (2015) – which allows ideologically opposed people to beat each other and the occasional horse into submission – through Parliament at the end of last year.

fighting
“We know the best way to stop violence in our country and are willing to fight for it!”

The Bill states police control at rallies involving hard right and left groups were costing taxpayers upwards of $500,000 per event.

“The states making street fighting legal will save millions of dollars,” Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said last year.

“It is the most cost-effective way of handling  our country’s idiots.”

Kanye
‘Baby Asha, you’re good but you’ll never be as good as Kanye’

PROTESTERS say baby Asha must be allowed to stay in Australia instead of Nepal due to her hip hop name.

Queenslander Reginald Worthington, who has slept outside Immigration Minister Peter Dutton Strathpine electoral office during a two-week protest, said the infant had a huge future in Australian music, predicting she could be the country’s best export since Kylie Minogue.

Mr Worthington said baby Asha would be subject to severe persecution in Nepal, where rap and rhythm and blues music was frowned upon.

“With a name like ‘Baby Asha’ this child has the world at her feet – especially if she can rap while dancing in tight shorts and bra,” he said.

“But she would be ostracised in Nepal, where rapping superficial lyrics to a chunky beat on stage can result in punishment by stoning.”

He said Baby Asha had the potential to be the world’s female Kanye West.

“On second thoughts, sending her to a country where she will never be heard may seem like the best solution after all.”

 

 

by -
0
Porn
Easy to use mobile-friendly download keyboards are selling out. Even at Dick Smith’s.

REAL estate prices are surging across the world as porn websites buy up land to house servers capable of withstanding Telstra’s free data Sunday.

Property values have doubled in countries as far-flung as Hungary and Russia as adult websites construct mountains made out of servers to meet the expected 100-trillion-terabyte surge in porn streamed and downloaded from Australia.

Youporn.com founder and director Reginald Worthington said his company had employed 100,000 people during the construction phase.

He said an extra 20,000 adult actors had been hired to create additional footage before the weekend to satisfy demand.

“When we heard the news of a free data Sunday we were over the moon… well, Herschelle, our male lead, was anyhow as he was nearing the end of a passionate scene,” he said.

“When you add the fact the free data period falls on Valentine’s Day it’s like all our stars have aligned and come at once.”

Picture: Got Credit

by -
0
Cinema
‘We’ve been here over an hour and this movie still hasn’t started. It better be bloody good.’

PRE-MOVIE advertising will run longer than most feature films in cinemas within the next four years, it has emerged.

Australian Research Centre statistics show advertisements, film previews and shorts asking patrons to turn off their phones averaged half an hour in 2015, up from 23 minutes the previous year.

Centre director Shayne Smith said future projections revealed pre-film “entertainment” average running times would stretch beyond two hours by 2020.

“We say ‘average’ because the bastards who run cinemas vary the length so people have to show as early as 15 minutes after the scheduled time,” Mr Smith said.

Film buff Lucy Worthington said too many advertisements before a film impacted her energy levels.

“My Sony TRV-900 camcorder has battery life issues, especially as I’m always switching it on and off again because they make you think the movie is about to start several times,” she said.

“The camera has died before the end of the movie several times as a result. It is having a real impact on my pirate DVD business.”

 

Picture: Leo Hidalgo

by -
0
Essendon
Essendon would have been premiership favourites.

ESSENDON chiefs have blasted the AFL for closing a loophole that would have allowed it to recruit an arsenal of champion former footballers and “put an extra 50,000 bums on seats”.

Bombers chief executive Xavier Campbell said the club’s plans to sign the likes of Wayne Carey, Warwick Capper and Ricky Nixon, as revealed by The Caught Report, had been blocked by the AFL, which was concerned the move would harm the competition’s modern blandness.

Campbell said accounting had estimated recruiting old stars would have doubled memberships and average match attendance figures, boosting the club’s ravaged coffers by up to $10 million.

He accused the AFL of a long-running vendetta against the club.

“The club has done nothing wrong, the players have done nothing wrong and coaching staff have done nothing wrong, but the AFL is intent on wiping our bank balance and playing list at every chance it can get,” he said.

The Caught Report has exclusively received what would have been the club’s best 22 this year before the AFL stepped in:

B: M. Gayfer, S. Silvagni, B. Hardie

HB: G. Wanganeen, G. Jakovich, G. Ayres

C: D. Kickett, D. Hawkins, R. Nixon

HF: D. Brereton, W. Carey, D. Neitz

F: W. Capper, T. Lockett, M. “Jacko” Jackson 

R: L. Vidovic, M.McGuane, R. Dipierdomenico 

Bench:  J.Newman, L. Richards, R. Barrassi, B. Goddard

 

by -
0
Drunk
My Kingdom for a landline phone!

A LONGTIME drunk dialler has blasted today’s generation of online social media trolls as “lazy lightweights”.

Reginald Worthington, an 87-year-old master of calling ex-girlfriends, call centres and randoms after a shitload of piss, said he recently decided to peruse the internet “after a few shandies” and was disgusted to find most trolls gave up after a couple of dozen short posts.

“Back in the good old days I would cold call people and grill them until I found a subject we disagreed on, then barrel the fuck out of them until they conceded I was correct.

“Sometimes it would take a few dozen call backs, or a visit from police, but I’d finish what I started, unlike these lazy young punks who think they’re God’s gift to the keyboard.”

Mr Worthington said he was so distraught he drank a cask of chardonnay before posting a 1000-word essay about “how poor people suck” on the Salvation Army’s Facebook page.

“I awoke to find 300 complaints and police at my front door with a horde of media,” he said.

“This old duck still got it.”

Most Popular